Ever since I was a kid, people have been telling me that I’m lazy. Mum always nagged me to do my homework and Dad would criticise me for playing video games while my sisters would play their instruments, draw and create things. My friends too had a difficult time with me because I’d never reach out to them, it’d always be them coming to me. What all of these people have failed to understand is not that I’m lazy but that I’m anxious and I have chronic issues with procrastination. I’ve wanted to do creative things, I’ve just been too afraid, staving things off til a future date … one that will never arrive.
Now in my adult life, chronic procrastination has led to a host of problems in my life and in my home. As I type this blog post, droplets of water splash down on my keyboard because for so long I’ve been putting off roof repairs. Melbourne weather has been rainy and horrible lately and the holes in the roof have caused water damage to the property. I know it’s hard for other people to understand – what’s so hard about calling the roofing company, right? But let me try to explain what it’s like to have a crippling anxiety condition. Imagine yourself standing on the edge of a promontory, staring down at the jagged rocks in the descending abyss, with a crowd of people urging you to jump. The wind’s so strong that you feel you could tip at any minute, as you clench your eyes shut and hope it all goes away…
My therapist has been talking a lot about “exposure therapy”, where you force yourself to face your fears and realise, hey, that wasn’t so bad after all. I’m bracing myself to attempt this technique when I call the roofing services. Melbourne might not seem like such a big bad place when it’s all over. And who knows, I might even gain confidence enough from the experience to make other calls, like to the exterminators for my rat problem, or the girl who handed me her number on the train.